Mental health: I hate the word “but”

How did my mental health get here again?

I went to see my gynecologist and she said that I’m healing pretty well as far as the physical aspect goes, BUT -and I don’t like that word- she noticed my mental health went extremely downhill and my PTSD got triggered so it wasn’t advised to try and conceive right away. That, and I’m still on my meds.

So long story short: I need my mental health to get stable, then get off my meds and remain stable, then continue cognitive behavioral an trauma therapy. I also have to keep in mind that trying to conceive may also be a difficult road on its own, as no one can predict whether it will all go fine phsyically either.

Before getting pregnant, I need to get physiotherapy especially for pelvic floor training as the pelvic floor muscles are clamping involuntarily due to the years of sexual abuse and its trauma (kind of gaining back control over those). Before and during pregnancy I need to get counseling from a psychiatrist but also pregnancy counseling along with post-partum counseling. So practically there’s counseling for a gazillion aspects of my life for as long as I can foresee now. Starting it all up is already exhausting, but my desire is big. And at the same time I’m trying to talk myself out of the voices in my head saying I’m selfish and I should just let this dream go. Meditation surely helps to silence them though! Thank goodness.

In Belgium apparently many of those kinds of specific therapy are not covered for from my insurance, so if I want a baby someday if God will, I need to dig deep or either work harder, or do things different. So thank you, all of you, for already giving me so much hope for making things come true. I love you 💜

Going through trauma and fighting PTSD doesn’t mean I can’t become a good mother, and I’m thankful so many of you have dm’ed me that and I appreciate it cause I had NO idea how much I needed that validation. It’s kind of hard to admit, but here I go. I hope someone will read this who needed to hear this as much as I did 💜 and no matter the rocky road, there will be a way 💜

xoxo

Prudence

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