Who am I? Overthinking my life after the tumor diagnose

TW: death

I don’t think I ever told you about this massive fear I had just before the surgery. I had this firm belief that something would go wrong, that I wouldn’t survive this surgery. 

Somehow my life has been a series of bad events up until a few years back, where it seems like my career seemed to pick up, I went to therapy, I fell in love and finally got respected in a relationship, received a big amount of support online from you, and you have sent me lovely messages about how much I had helped to overcome your own struggles. After so many years, I finally had a feeling that I was worthy enough to be here.

So when I got diagnosed with the tumor, I started to overthink my purpose here, my value in this world, and the fact that even though it seemed like everything was going well, it struck me in a way that I wasn’t actually “me”. I never learned to be me, and there I was, about to undergo surgery for a tumor in my uterus. And I was fearful as hell and convinced I wasn’t going to see tomorrow. 

I’m not even 30 yet and I was sexually abused for 16 years until the age of 21, growing up thinking that was my “normal”, I still am silenced and chained because of the experience and the people involved and scared of hearing hurtful comments about it. I didn’t know how to love and be loved so I ended up in relationships where I was abused even more, threatened, hurt and neglected. I have seen people die, I’ve seen illness and suffering, I’ve been homeless and so poor I actually celebrated my first real cup of coffee 2 years ago -I lived on instant coffee, yoghurt and supermarket deals for the first years of being self-employed. I went through PTSD, depression, eating disorders and got blackmailed to have sex by and with a teacher at the age of 17 (I didn’t do it but was left with no high school degree).  I’ve been in life threatening situations more than I’ve had the opportunity to celebrate in life.

They say that the life expectancy of people who went through severe trauma is way lower than people who didn’t experience any of those things. The main reason being is because their bodies are in a constant state of fear and stress. I truly was convinced I was going to die that day.

After I woke up I figured I don’t have to be here to deal with more unfortunate events. I can also use my experiences to help others. I can help others to reclaim their lives as well, and have them inspire others and so on. At the same time, that’s what I have to do too. I have to reclaim my own true self and be ME and inspire others to do the same, so our children, nephews, nieces, can grow up in a generation that was better than mine and allow them to be heard and protected from any of what I went through.

xoxo

Prudence

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