Hi my Loves,
Last night has been terrible. I had the worst nightmares about not being able to get out of someone’s claws who pressured himself on me sexually. I was also being robbed by a group of guys who I knew I couldn’t fight. So I had to find a way to get out of there. They were with a van and they tried to hurt me and I just couldn’t get out of there.
I know all of these nightmares are things that scared me at a point in my life because of similar situations that happened in the past and come back now because of the PTSD I’m suffering from. But this one has made a huge impact on me today. I’m constantly afraid and I couldn’t even put myself to do a lot today. I wasn’t productive at all. Every muscle hurts in my body, the tension is real and I don’t know if this will be oversharing, but I can’t even go to the bathroom properly. I have a feeling that it got worse again.
This morning, I woke up and I was awake for a while and suddenly had a flashback that I lived in a house I used to live in, remembering I was scared when getting out of bed and going to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom and even though the floor is made with tiles here, I still felt the wooden floor underneath my feet. I didn’t have flashbacks while being awake in over a year now. It scares me a lot.
So today, because of those happenings, and because of all the stress that comes along with it, I wasn’t able to do much. I feel sad about it but I know I can’t beat myself up about it either, because I can’t control it.
I am hoping for a good night sleep tonight. I don’t think I will be doing a lot anymore, since today hasn’t been fruitful anyway. I feel terrible and I hope I didn’t bother you guys by telling all this.
I went outside this afternoon, to take a fresh breath. On my balcony, not really outside outside. I enjoyed the sun. It’s 23°C here today, and the sun on my skin felt nice. I sat on the side of my balcony, on a little bench-like being. And I looked over the balcony and I flashed back to when I was 16 years old and I had these thoughts.. but I looked over and I thought “what if.. would I be hurt badly? It isn’t that high” and it scared me so much, so I went inside.
I don’t know what caused all this, and where it comes from and what triggered it again. I do know I’m scared to get in a worse mental state again. I just want to fill my days drawing, talking to you guys, have productive days and make your orders, make portraits and do what an artist is supposed to do.
I haven’t told this to anyone today, and I know you guys care so much about me so this is it. This was today. I do hope to get back to you with better news though this week <3
I love you to the moon and back.
Also, please don’t worry! I don’t want to die or hurt myself and I always try to get out of a flashback when I start to get aware of it by touching something hard or cold and press hard on it -that helps.