I was scared to bring bad news

When I was typing the caption to share the news that I was having surgery, I knew that was the only time I’d be able to do so. I know there are so many of you who can relate here, many of you who are saying you’re “fine” when you’re not at all, only to please others or to avoid people from leaving.

All my life I’ve been scared to just be ME, truly me, vulnerably me. All my life I’ve had people leaving in and out of my life. I was a class clown, the positive person people would go to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, an easy way to fill up some time. When life got rough for me and I all of a sudden was homeless, I had one twelve-year-long friend telling me she was not my psychologist and when I was abused, the abuse kept on happening even though I tried it all in my ability to make it stop. When I was bullied, teachers told ME to change. When I was in relationships, guys left me for someone else, didn’t believe me, told me I wasn’t good enough. When someone better came along, it always was me who was pushed aside. This isn’t to be felt sorry for at all, because even though I’m still feeling the limitations of those people’s actions on my ability to open up, I know they’re good riddance in terms of social connections. But I just know I’m not the only one on here who feels this way, so I wanted to be open about it. 

I was scared to bring bad news, because every time it happened before, people left me. I was good company for as long as I held my smiles up and I was of use to others, and even up until this day, I’m saying I’m fine to avoid someone else to feel uncomfortable or give me an extra feeling of unworthiness. 

I’m working on reclaiming my own true self and being 100% me. I owe it to you and I owe it to myself, but it’s because of you all, thank you for not leaving me and thank you for caring and sending me love. I’ve been thinking so much about you, and it’s been the pillar that is holding me up every day.

xoxo

Prudence

ps: I am going to post a few more blogposts so you’re on track with the tumor health journey here on my blog as well.