I look pregnant

I look pregnant, I look down and I notice a bigger belly. I always imagined my body would look exactly like this when I got pregnant. I imagine it growing as the weeks go by.

I feel bloated, there’s an unfamiliar pain in my stomach and I have no idea what is happening inside. I read about these similarities during pregnancy.

I’m not pregnant though, I might not be able to get pregnant for a while, I might not be able to get pregnant at all. I don’t know what’s laying ahead of me, but I do know this belly is going to shrink back to a normal size and there’s nothing growing inside anymore.

What was growing was something that would never have done anyone any good. I’m glad it’s gone. I look in the mirror at the belly that is showing more than usual and my mind keeps going back and forth between what is and what could’ve been.

When you’re going into a surgery for a cause that both threatens your fertility, health and dreams, you’re thinking about doing what’s right. You’re not thinking about the mental impact that comes after.

When the belly was slowly shrinking back to normal, I honestly didn’t want it to go just yet. I wanted to see it a bit longer, hold on to it just a while longer. 

I didn’t want it to be the last time I’d ever see my belly like this again.

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