Did surgery awaken more of my childhood trauma?
My heart is pounding in my chest, I start to sweat. I know what’s happening but I still can’t help freaking out. In that moment I want to escape to somewhere no one will ever find me. I very well know what this means. This is the mental state I never wanted to find myself in again. It’s happening.. all over again.
You know how catching a cold can lead to an infection and get worse if you don’t treat it well? That works the same for our mental health. I remember feeling extremely bad mentally after surgery, hoping to get better again. I just pulled through and acted my positive self. Some new memories of my childhood traumas came up and in many moments, I feel a constant need to just sit in my own bubble, not talk to anyone, I have the feeling that I can’t set boundaries. Also, boundaries need to be respected in order for them to be effective.
At the moment of the panic attack I was sitting on my safe couch, my mind racing at events I seemed not to have thought about for a long time, but all of a sudden started to flash back before my eyes. I thought I was going batshit crazy, knowing there’s no way for me to escape at all. I needed to get away, to be able to breathe, I needed help.
At that exact moment I received an email. My mother-in-law had sent me books for me to read. And at that moment it was good. Apparently a little (virtual) care package was all I needed at that moment. And I’m thankful for those little moments that drag me out of the deep waters called anxiety.