Hey my Loves 💜
I hope you’re holding up well. I tune in to be open and transparent towards you and because I thought it may someone else who would be happening to go through the same thing.
As many of you know, I struggle from PTSD and depression and there are moment where I feel good, amazing even. But most of my moments I’m feeling terrible inside. I was always used to hiding my feelings for the big crowd and I think I sometimes still do. You know how it goes.. you laugh as if nothing was ever wrong, you hold your tears and “suck it up”, you have hacks so that nasty comments don’t find their way to your brain at that time but you overthink it after the heat of the moment is over. I mastered these. I know how to fake smiles and “look behaved” for over two decades now. That’s when I decided to write this post. This is the heat of the moment. I feel terrified and sad and I just want to live in a far away kingdom where all the reality is something less frightening (see where I get my inspiration?).
I am so honored and thankful that I get to be just me when I am here. I don’t need to hide. I don’t need to fake smiles. And I want to be more vulnerable and not be ashamed or try to hide it.
I am currently laying in bed still overthinking if I should even post this. I’m scared to not be “perfect” or less “good enough”, I’m scared to be left. And this is something that is very present right now, guys. I don’t know if it’s the engagement on social media and the freaking algorithms, I don’t know if it’s because I’m working quite slow here, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t see growth.. but.. I am scared.
I’m scared to lose everything I love. I’m scared to lose you guys, to not be loved by my partner one day anymore, to lose Planet Prudence. I am scared of not giving it my all and more, in terms of effort, work but also creative wise. Because I’m also sometimes even not drawing certain things because of “what would people think”,
I see numbers dropping everywhere and in this number indulged society we’re currently living in, I can’t say I’m not a victim of the worries that it takes with it.
I am sometimes so over my head into dealing with responsibilities that I even think of the fact that there are women my age parenting two kids and a dog and I can’t even run a business and dress up properly. I can’t keep my mind silent. I look forward to moment I can feel life. For moments that I can genuinely laugh. They have been so rare lately. And I get happy when being here seeing your comments, reading your messages and seeing you on Discord and my livestreams. I get happy when seeing your art. But after it’s over, I seem to have a kickback from happiness and I get sad, then sadder, then way off to even think straight anymore and I end up crying and being scared to lose everything I care for.
My mind is a rollercoaster and I am still recovering. I often forget this. But I still am.
This doesn’t make much sense probably and I’m sorry for this. Please know I’ll still be making art and doing anything I can to keep our awesome community going. I hope we’ll get more people to join so we can grow from here. And I’ll probably stay scared and sad for a little while, but I also know it will go up again, and probably down again too someday. But I accept it. I just wish that through it all, I could maybe have a glimpse of me at these few times I did saw my value 💜
Thank you for listening guys, and for being here and seeing the value where I often have a hard time seeing it myself 💜
I love you 💜